5 Easy Ways to Ruin Your Kid

     There’s a lot of parenting advice out there but if you want to really succeed at ruining your kid, these 5 easy steps will get the job done.  (P.S. If they ever tell you that you are the meanest parent in the world, you are doing this all wrong.)

1.  Make sure they know that they are the center of the universe.  Always side with the child over the other parent.  Make sure that all of their needs are met first and that they don’t have the responsibility to think of anyone beside themselves.  They are only kids, after all.
2. Make sure they always win.  If you are playing games with them, you don’t want to be the bully that beats them fair and square.   This will teach them to expect to win in everything and helps develop their “sore loser” muscles.
3. Make sure they have every new thing.  Did a kid on the bus have a bag full of shopkins or a stack of pokemon cards?  Did their friend get to buy 157 tiny erasers from the student store?  Well, then, make sure that your kid isn’t the ONLY one that doesn’t have ALL OF THE THINGS. 
4. Make sure they know you will always believe them.  Even if a teacher tells you they did something wrong.  Even if another adult points out bad behavior.  Remember, they are little and always innocent.   And most of those teachers are only in it for the money anyway.
5. Make sure you give in if they ask often enough.  The best way to accomplish this is to tell them “no” a few times and then act exasperated when you change your answer to “yes”.

    I’m sure there are plenty of things I’m missing, but if you concentrate on these 5 things, the rest should come together naturally.  Those of us who work with children will be able to tell if you are succeeding at this.  Yours will be the kids who always have to be first.  First in line, first picker for teams, first one up the stairs, first one on the bus….  They are the kids who always blame someone else when they get in trouble.  They will throw their friends under the bus in a hot second and make sure that we know they were just doing what everyone else was doing. 
     They are the kids who want to be on the inside of every inside joke.  They are the kids who want to point out how they fit in and how others stick out.  They are the kids who always have someone to sit with and protect the seats all around them for their friends. 
     They are the kids who you can hear bragging to their friends because they don’t have a bedtime and their parents let them have a say in all the decisions.  They are the kids who aren’t a bit intimidated when a teacher informs them that they’ll have to contact the parents.  These kids know whose side you’ll be on no matter what.
      I was a failure as a parent.  My kids would gladly tell you that I would never let them win at games and I didn’t care what new thing all their friends had.  I was unbending and rigid when I gave them an answer they didn’t like and I always believed it when another adult told me something rotten they did.  In spite of all that bad parenting, they have grown up to be responsible adults.   And you want to know the weirdest thing?  They are turning out to be failures as parents too.  And nothing does this mama’s heart more good than to hear my words come out of their mouths.