Girl drama.  Ugh.  The bane of my existence.  I love little girls, really I do.  I love to listen to them playing elaborate games of imagination, I love the profuse drawing of unicorns and hearts and rainbows, I love the giggling when a whole gang of them are having fun together.  But the drama?  I can do without that.
Now, before you start complaining about my discriminatory remarks about girls and insist that boys and girls are the same, hear me out.  I’ve worked with kids for 30 years.   I raised two boys and my best friend raised two girls.  I may not be an expert on everything, but I have enough years under my belt to make some broad statements here.  I’m not talking about every girl.  There are plenty of girls who steer clear of dramatics but there are some who seem to gravitate toward it.  And in general, if boys have a disagreement, there is some yelling and maybe some stomping and occasionally a scuffle.  But it usually blows over quickly and they move on because they want to play and ain’t nobody got time for a crisis. 
What I’m talking about is when two girls like the same boy or when a threesome of friends suddenly become a pair.  Emotions run high. Friends take sides.  Snide glances are cast and it begins. 
How do you help your daughter navigate this?  Some mothers are quick to jump in and try to sort things out themselves.  Some mothers listen and give advice from the sidelines.  Some mothers call the teacher and get other adults involved.  My years of experience working with elementary students have taught me a few things about what to do and what not to do.
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1.       Don’t feed the monster.  If you can stay out of it, stay out of it.    Try not to interview her at the end of every day to see how things are going.  If she needs to talk, let her talk, but don’t dig for information.
2.       If you need to give advice, keep it positive.  Don’t encourage your daughter to jump into the fray and say the next mean thing.  Talk about ways to show kindness even when her feelings are hurt.  When girls get hurt and then, in turn, try to hurt the other person back, the whole situation escalates in a hurry.  Instead, ask her questions like, “What have you tried to make this better?” or “What could you try next?”
3.       Encourage one good friendship.  Let your daughter make play dates with girls that you think are a good match in temperament and a positive influence on her.  Can you choose her friends?  No, but you can steer her toward positive relationships and see what develops.  In elementary school, you still have a lot of influence over who she develops close relationships with because you are in charge of the schedule.
4.       If bullying is involved, you may need to talk to the teacher or the school counselor.  But if it is just hurt feelings over a slight, listen without passing judgement on the other girl.  Remember that there really are two sides to every story and there may be more to it than your daughter tells you. 
5.       Be open and honest about friendship.  As adults we know that we are not going to be best friends with everyone.  However, whether we click with someone or not, we need to treat others with respect.  Talk specifically about what that looks like. 
6.       Don’t get overinvested in your daughter’s relationships.  The things that hurt you as a child may not be the same things that hurt her.  The more you commiserate the more real it becomes, so try not to get overly involved.
My final thought on this is that our children watch what we do and say.  If we want them to behave appropriately in social situations, then we should model the kind of behavior we expect.  Moms who gossip and make snide comments about others raise daughters who do the same. Treat others respectfully. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Demonstrate kindness.  It won’t solve everything, but it is a place to start.
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   Think back to something you loved about your childhood.  I’ll bet you called up a treasured family tradition or a memory of holidays with people you love. So much of our identity is wrapped up in the way we grew up and the way our family did things.   Traditions help us tell the story of who we are.
   I love the holidays.  Easter, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas….you name it, I love it!  We have traditions to commemorate nearly every major holiday and I love the way our family scrapbooks are a road map of our celebrations from year to year.  Now that my sons are grown, they still participate—with their own children in tow now—in the things that make each season special.   Traditions help us connect the generations.
   Several weeks ago as we were closing up the pool and winterizing the camper, our five year old grandson was really bummed.  He perked right up when I reminded him that when swimming and camping season was over, it was pumpkin time.  Traditions give kids a frame of reference for the changing of the seasons and a rhythm for our lives. 
   We can’t wait to visit Fulton Farms next week.  We’ll see the farm animals, play in the mini corn maze, get pictures with the “How Tall This Fall?” ruler and take a hayride to the pumpkin patch.  Everyone—Nana and Pops included—gets to select their favorite and struggles to carry a perfect, enormous pumpkin to the wagon. I love that we have pictures of our grandkids enjoying the same family traditions we have had since our boys were little.  Traditions unite us with one another.
   When Halloween gives way to Thanksgiving, we’ll enjoy having family from out of town come in for a big dinner with all the trimmings.  We might do some Black Friday shopping just for fun and then we always go downtown for the lighting of the big tree on that evening.  Afterward, you can count on leftover pie and hot cocoa to warm everyone up.  Traditions strengthen the bonds of families and help us pass on our values to younger generations.
   We try to work in some new things here and there.  We might go see the Christmas lights at the zoo or drive through a live nativity display, but the tried and true traditions are at the very heart of each season for me.  My daughter-in-law’s family decorates Christmas cookies as a family.  My family always traipses out to the tree farm to find a live tree.  Every family is different, but the importance of having shared experiences and building memories together is the key.
   Even small things that you always do together will take root and form special memories for your family.  One of my treasured possessions is the fork and knife set that my grandmother always used for carving turkey and ham for family dinners.  The knife isn’t even that sharp and the bone handles are not my personal style, but when I hold that set in my hands, it helps me recall gathering with cousins and aunts and uncles and my precious little grandma.  Traditions evoke an emotional connection to our loved ones.
   Be intentional about the customs you are creating with your kids.  They don’t need to be lavish or expensive, just a time for you to do things face to face with one another.  In a few short years, their childhood will be just a memory.  Make it a good one.

   ​Somewhere along the way, we’ve lost something.  As a nation, I think we’ve forgotten our manners.  Maybe it comes from ordering our dinner every night in the drive through line. Or maybe it’s just because we are too tired to add all of the vocal niceties that good manners require.   Or maybe, it’s because we are so wrapped up in “ME” that we’ve forgotten how to be “WE”.
   I can’t tell you how many kids come through our snack line and say, “I’ll take some fruit snacks” or “Give me an apple juice.”  At the beginning of the year, we start training them to start every request (not ORDER--request—‘cause that’s how we roll) with “May I please”.   They usually look at us like we have two heads the first few times we stop them and make them start over. 
   We spend a lot of time every day coaching kids on how to interact with adults and peers nicely.  “Get out of my way” should be, “Excuse me, please” and “I want a pencil” should be, “May I please have a pencil?” We also make them wait to speak when we are talking and avoid interrupting unless it is an emergency.   Is this nitpicky?  Maybe.  But I can tell you that when we stumble upon a child with good manners, they stand out in the crowd.  I imagine that it will serve them well throughout their lives when they go to a job interview or call a customer service help line.
   This issue screeched into the forefront of my mind this morning when a third grader saw a bus pass by while we were waiting on the buses to pick up the kids for school.  His knee jerk remark was, “Hey Dummy!  You were supposed to stop here!”  Yes.  A third grader. Talking about an adult bus driver.  Do you think maybe he’s heard a parent making remarks about other drivers in the car?  Kids are ALWAYS listening, folks.
   It also never ceases to amaze me how much kids are paying attention to boring things like politics.  They hear us—and adopt our attitudes.  We have become so partisan and vitriolic that it can’t help spreading to our kids.  Most of the time they don’t even understand why they hate one politician or another, but they know what the “right” side is.  I know we all have strong opinions about the direction our country should be going.  I know that we all want our own way and we think that our way is the only way.  But do you think we might learn something by hearing the perspective of another side?  Maybe there’s some common ground in the middle of all the divisiveness but we can’t even concede to that because we are so wrapped up in finger pointing and name calling.  Even if we can’t find any common ground, can’t we be polite to other humans?
   Maybe this should be a wake-up call for all of us.  When our ugly words seep into the brains of our Kindergarteners, we need to take a look at how we talk to one another.  Don’t we want our kids to talk politely to others?  If that’s the case, shouldn’t we be the BEST example in front of them?  And I’ll guarantee you that there is nowhere that you can privately say those ugly words that your child isn’t listening.  They may be playing in another room, but I promise that they can hear you. 
   Whether you are running this country or running your household, the example you set before your kids is the most powerful force on the planet. You know the best way to change the world?  Change the children.

    I’m one of THEM.  In a minute, some of you will be nodding your head, others will be sighing and quietly hating me. Here goes:  Christmas is coming!  I’m already working on Christmas projects and my shopping is well underway.  Go ahead, get the groaning and grouchy remarks out of the way.  But when you’re finished I’m going to give you some toy shopping advice. 
   First things first.  Spend a rainy Saturday going through the toys that you already have and weeding out the things they don’t play with.  I’m a grandma, so I can say this and no one can be offended:  If your kids have grandparents , they have too many toys.  And if your kids are in charge of making a Christmas gift list, you might as well just write down every junky thing that is advertised on Nickolodeon.   Ugh.  Those hot toys that your kids had to have last Christmas but dropped in the bottom of the toy chest in January have earned a space in your “donation” box.  Forget that they cost a small fortune and be realistic about what you hang onto.
   I’m not a fan of single use toys.  The Paw Patrol Lookout Tower is a toy that is single use.  It takes up a lot of space, and when Paw Patrol is outgrown (it WILL happen someday—I promise!) that toy is practically useless.  I much prefer toys that are open ended, like a good set of blocks.  They can be made into sky scrapers, dollhouses, roads, fire stations, etc. and kids from preschool through grade school can play with them.   The number of things you can build with a sturdy set of unit blocks or a solid collection of Legos is endless.
   Classic games and puzzles are always a hit.  For younger kids, Chutes and Ladders, Monopoly Junior, matching games, and wooden puzzles are a safe choice.  Playing a family game around the table or putting puzzles together is a great way to spend an evening that doesn’t involve television or other technology.  Games that teach color recognition (Candy Land) for preschoolers or math skills (Yahtzee) for older kids are a double bonus! 
   To foster creativity, art supplies or journals are also a great idea.  Gel pens, artist quality colored pencils, detailed coloring books, high quality paper pads, good watercolor paints and “how to draw” books are excellent for nurturing budding artists.  Bead kits for making necklaces, shrink film (remember Shrinky Dinks when you were a kid?), and basics like pipe cleaners and yarn for open ended projects are also art kit essentials.
   Before you add something to your shopping list, ask yourself these questions: 
1.        Where will this be stored and how will I manage it?  Toys like Legos that come with a thousand tiny pieces should also come with a storage container.  Once that box is torn up and the bags are ripped open, you’ll be glad you thought ahead about where you were going to keep these toys.
2.       Will this toy stand the test of time?  If it is a fad and will only be cool for a week or two after Christmas, steer clear. 
3.       What do I have to get rid of to bring this new thing into my home?  If your playroom is already full, you need to be realistic about what you can keep.  Having too many toys makes playroom clean up unmanageable and creates extra stress for you and your kids. 
   Be watching next week for my follow up to this blog post—Gifts That Don’t Need a Box. 
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          We are a lot of fun at The Rec.  We come up with all kinds of crazy plans to make sure the kids have fun and memorable experiences.  Over the years, we’ve done some things that have been really good ideas and we’ve also done some things that have been terrible ideas.  Here are some examples:

1.  Ant Farm—When you have ants in your home, you call an exterminator.  When we have ants at The Rec, we call an exterminator.  Why, then, would we have thought that buying a flimsy plastic “farm” and filling it with Fire Ants was a good idea?  I mean, ants are fascinating creatures and all—did you know that they build a little cemetery and drag their dead friends into it?  But what happens when someone uncaps the lid?  I’ll tell you exactly what happens.  Ants find their way out of the nice farm home you provided and spread out everywhere in your room.  And who wants to catch them and try to stuff them back in the tiny hole they came out of? No one!  Who HAD to catch them?  Me.  Bad idea.  Very bad idea.
2. Hatching Chicks—Watching a chick hatch from an egg is absolutely breathtaking.  It is a beautiful moment of new life and hope and you can actually hear angels singing when it happens.  We thought this would be such a great experience for the kids so we got an incubator, procured some eggs, carefully tended the humidity levels and temperature and waited.  One morning before school, two of the eggs started rocking and moving around.  Tiny little holes appeared in the shell and we held our breath…..until it was time for the buses to come and then the kids had to go to school.  Unfortunately, they missed the best parts of the whole experience, but Susan and I stayed and watched.  One of the chicks hatched out perfectly.  The other chick still had not absorbed the remainder of the yolk sac through his navel.  (Did you even know that chickens have belly buttons?  Crazy!)  We immediately researched the problem and found out that the chicken would likely die because of infection.  Some people had limited success with a little “chicken surgery” using dental floss to tie off the yolk sac and seal up the navel.  Unfortunately, in that nice warm incubator, the yolk was now stuck to his little chicky belly and we had to give him a little chicky bath to get it loose enough to tie on the dental floss.  All of this trauma gave him a little chicky heart attack and the kids got to learn about new life AND death all in the same day.  Very bad idea.
3. Homemade Ice Cream—Doesn’t that sound fun?  You take a small zipper bag of the ingredients and place it inside a gallon size bag of ice and rock salt and then you shake it up until the ice cream hardens.  That would all be such a great idea if the children just shook it like the kids in the pictures did.  No….our kids were way too wild and before we knew it, the bags were leaking and salty water and sticky ice cream fixings were all over the floor.  Also, not one of our better ideas. 

     I could tell you stories of coloring Easter eggs and carving pumpkins and using rubber gloves like udders for painting during farm week.  The list of bad ideas we’ve had is a mile long, in fact!  The good thing is, the bad ideas DO make GOOD stories. 

     Ahhhh….summer: time for family barbeques, endless days of popsicle juice on the kitchen floor, and sibling squabbling.  From sunup to sundown, it seems like the number and variety of things to argue about are as generous as the weeds in your flower beds.  Just when you’ve solved one problem, the next one is seeping in to take its place.  It’s enough to make a mama want to stick knives in her ears!
      Even with 30,000 toys in the playroom, the only one anyone wants to play with is the one their brother has.  No matter how many times you’ve coached them to ask nicely for a turn, snatching that toy from their sister is always the go-to technique for acquiring what they want.
     My grandkids have claimed their own barstools at the kitchen counter at my house.  Want to see them get bent out of shape in a hurry?  Let their sibling climb onto the stool that is “theirs”.  And even if everyone sits on the right stool, they love to stick their feet on the stool of their neighbor.  If that doesn’t elicit a response right away, they will give the other stool a little shove to make sure the offended party notices that they are being messed with. 

     What’s a parent to do?  How can you keep your cool when the world around you is in meltdown mode? 

1.  Establish a “no tattling” policy and try to stay out of the fray.  It is actually a good thing for them to learn to solve petty disagreements on their own.  If you intervene and solve problems constantly, they don’t learn to negotiate with others and you become a pawn in their Game of Crazy.  (At the Rec, we define tattling like this:  Is someone going to get hurt?  Is something going to get broken?  Have you tried to solve it yourself?  If the answer is no, then we want them to go back and try to take care of it themselves.) 
2. If there is a problem that they can’t solve themselves, try a little cooling off area.  We often send kids to the game table to have a little quiet time.  They can do a puzzle or play a board game or build with Lego bricks, but they have to stay there for an appointed amount of time.  It isn’t a time out, just a time to cool down and diffuse the situation.  And since both offenders are generally sent there, they usually end of playing something together.
3. For bigger offenses, a little more “togetherness” might be just the ticket.  When my kids were little, I would make them hold hands if they couldn’t get along.  They could do anything they wanted as long as they held the other’s hand.  It is hard to play without cooperating when you only have one hand to work with and you have to agree on where you’re going.  If they kept fighting, I’d just add time to their sentence.  It was amazing to see how creative they could get when they decided to work together.
4. For kids who can’t keep their hands to themselves, we often make them clasp their own hands together.  Again, they aren’t in time out and they can do whatever they want as long as their hands are clasped. 
5. If using words nicely seems to be the root of the problem, we just impose a “silence” penalty.  They can continue to play, but they aren’t allowed to speak for a period of time.  Generally, we find that they are more judicious with their speech when the privilege of speaking has been suspended for a little while.  And, if nothing else, you get a few minutes of quiet time.

     If you’ve tried all of these techniques and the quarreling is still driving you nuts, here’s a little hope.  My boys were arch enemies when they were growing up.  No matter how many times I had serious discussions about how fortunate they were to have a brother, they weren’t buying it.  What finally made them ditch the fighting and start appreciating each other?  Time and distance and a tiny bit of maturity.  When the older son moved out, it wasn’t two weeks before he started inviting his brother to his apartment to have pizza and hang out.  So take heart, parents!  You only have 10-15 years left of listening to all this bickering before it will be over.  :)

   The other day I saw a meme on Facebook that said, “One of the greatest threats to America is that the school system is not teaching the next generation morals…..”  What?! It went on with a list of things that the school system isn’t teaching, but the whole thing just made me shake my head. 
    First, let me tell you that in the amount of time in a school day minus the time spent on recess, in the lunch line, waiting on everyone to use the restroom, taking attendance and managing a classroom full of squirmy kids, we should be grateful that they learn to read and write and do basic math.  As a kid, the school day may have dragged on forever, but for teachers, the day flies by and there Is often a whole pile of things that had to be cut out of the lesson plan because there just isn’t enough time in the day. 
    All of that aside, what really irked me is how we, as a nation, are all too willing to pass the responsibility for raising our kids to someone else. When did the school system become liable for parenting too?  Just because you send your child to school, it doesn’t negate all of the training that you should be doing at home.  It is OUR job to teach our kids manners and morals and the value of hard work.  It is OUR job to teach our child to have integrity and treat people how they want to be treated. 
    There are 168 hours in a week.  If your child sleeps 10 hours per day, you still have 98 hours of teachable moments in a week.  Even if they go to school for 6 hours per day, they still have 68 hours a week that they are with you or with someone you designate.  I know that many of those hours are being filled with dance lessons and scout meetings and ball games, but you are in control of the schedule.  If you don’t have time to pour into teaching your kids to be decent humans, then pare down the sports activities. 
    I home schooled my kids, so all the burden for teaching morals AND math skills rested squarely on my shoulders. (I know that isn’t the lifestyle for everyone and I’ll be the first to tell you that if you don’t feel called to it you probably aren’t cut out for it.)  My point is that they were MY kids and MY responsibility.  If I took them to an art class at Hayner, I expected them to be taught art.  I never expected that the art teacher would take over my job of teaching my kids to be hard workers. 
    You are the first and best teacher for your kids.  What you teach them will be more important than anything they’ll learn in school about the Revolutionary War or Geometry.  Lessons about friendship and the value of family are best learned IN THE FAMILY.  Lessons about money management and people skills will be learned at the knee of the parents.  In fact, we need to be careful about what we model at home, because no amount of “schooling” is strong enough to overcome the attitudes and behaviors that you will make the norm in your home. 
    I’ll wrap this up by saying, “Yay, teachers!”  Your job is hard and you are often underappreciated.  You are doing great work in teaching quadratic equations and sentence diagramming!  But parents, let’s make sure that we understand that our job is all of the other stuff.  We will raise better citizens by passing on the morals and values that we feel strongly about and leaving the school system to do what it was meant to do:  educate.